Michigan Football Probe: The Silliest Candidates for Who Tipped Off the NCAA

Reset your Days Without A Weird Investigation Into Michigan Football counter, as the Wolverines are currently being accused of violating the NCAA’s rule against in-person scouting of future opponents. In its infinite wisdom, the internet immediately turned to one of the most important questions: who gave the NCAA this dirt? 

I have compiled my favorite theories, some of which come from the world of social media while others were generated by my very normal brain:

Ryan Day: Of the clubhouse leaders in the wild message board rumor department, my favorite has to be “Ryan Day hired a former FBI agent to shadow Michigan’s sign-stealing operation and get evidence against them.”

Something is different about Day in 2023. He’s yelling at Lou Holtz through the television set! He’s telling crowds the most romantic thing he’s done for his wife was beating Notre Dame! Maybe he has set up an entire counterintelligence department to avoid losing to Michigan for a third straight year. Maybe he found a loose-cannon federal judge who went to Ohio State to authorize wiretaps in Ann Arbor specifically to gather evidence of “ongoing and pervasive football crimes.” 

Greg Schiano: People also seem very interested in this halftime interview from the Michigan-Rutgers game earlier this season.

Michigan only led that game 14-7 after two quarters, so I’m not entirely sure what seemed amiss to Schiano. Absent this investigation, those comments just seem like normal frustrated coachspeak that could be about anything from committing too many penalties to a quarterback making the wrong read, and NJ Advance Media’s Brian Fonseca reported a source claimed Schiano’s comments were just about officiating issues. But maybe that’s a smokescreen because Schiano knows New Jersey stereotypes require you to deny being a rat!

Jim Harbaugh: Imagine the following scenario. Jim Harbaugh, seeing the way his team came together during his three-game suspension at the start of the season, considers the motivational value of another small NCAA dust-up and decides to concoct a violation that he can anonymously report. Michigan’s players, infuriated that they are being targeted once more, let that outrage power them to the program’s first national title since 1997, Harbaugh becomes unquestionably beloved by Michigan fans, and, months later, the NCAA grumpily issues some toothless penalty. 

You’d need a patsy to pull this off. Guess what! On Oct. 7, a man from Georgia caused the temporary evacuation of the players at the Maryland-Ohio State game in Columbus by flying a drone over the stadium. He said he’d just bought the drone from Best Buy the day before. Think it’s just a coincidence that Best Buy’s colors are blue and yellow? (I know it’s maize. Do not email me.)

Bill Belichick: He’s having a deeply unpleasant season in New England. He has a great deal of familiarity with how investigations into impermissible football surveillance work. He may well be tired of the “well, guess we know Michigan Man Tom Brady was what made the dynasty run” commentary. Just to be safe, I think the NFL should strip the Patriots of a first-round draft pick until we know more.

Jimbo Fisher: Two things Jimbo Fisher has plenty of: Money and media reports that he’s on an increasingly hot seat at Texas A&M. Why not use the former to create a network of spies that can start digging up dirt all across college football that you can conveniently drop to the NCAA and media sources whenever the season’s not going well? If the Aggies lose to South Carolina next week, watch out for a bombshell on how Florida State is using a secret Jordan Travis clone army.

Pete Carroll: Jim and Pete haven’t gotten to face off in nine seasons now, and Carroll really hasn’t found an effective new foil. Just as Batman and the Joker need one another (you can decide which one is which in this scenario), these two really fed off their competitive friction, first in the Pac-12 and then in the NFC West. Harbaugh’s had rumored interest in several NFL jobs, and maybe this is Carroll’s way of 1) antagonizing his old foe from afar and 2) goading him into a return to the pros, where they can clash directly once more. Congrats to the LA Rams for hiring Jim Harbaugh this offseason.

Congressman Jim Jordan: Look, he’s had a rough week. Maybe he decided to take it out on his state’s college football rival.