Navy Vet Says It Took Suicide Attempt to Get Help from Veterans Affairs: ‘It’s Like You Have to Go to the Extreme’

Alex Miller enlisted in the U.S. Navy soon after he turned 18, inspired like many others by the patriotism that swept the country following the Sept. 11 attacks in 2001.

He also hoped to jumpstart a career in technology while seeing more of the world — places and people far from what he knew growing up in major American cities like Chicago and New York City.

But a decade later, six years after he was honorably discharged after serving as an Information Systems Technician stationed in Virginia, Miller found himself drinking a concoction of 60 sleeping pills dissolved in Coca-Cola in an attempt to take his own life.

"I thought that was it," Miller, now 37, recalls to The Messenger of that moment in 2014. "My pride and sense of honor and duty had melted away because I was so depressed."

"I felt so down on my luck that I didn't even care anymore," he adds. "I hated myself, and I hated my life."

Today, Miller is an essayist and journalist who has written about his time in the Navy and the battle that awaited him back at home in the U.S. as he jumped between low-paying jobs and struggled with alcoholism and homelessness.

In the years following his suicide attempt, Miller says he was able to turn his life around after finally receiving the help he needed.

But it was almost too late.

That experience inspired Miller to advocate for transforming the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs to allow veterans better access to mental health professionals and other life-saving services before they reach the brink of suicide.

"There are many veterans who have killed themselves waiting on the health care they promised us," Miller says.

According to the VA's numbers, nearly 17 veterans died by suicide every day in 2020, and in several instances, some killed themselves in or outside VA facilities.

During 13 months from 2017 to 2018, 19 suicides occurred on VA campuses, with seven of them occurring in parking lots.

"I bet if you look at the 22 suicides a day, you will see VA screwed up in 90% [of them]," retired Marine Col. Jim Turner said in a suicide note before shooting himself with a rifle at Bay Pines Department of Veterans Affairs in Florida in 2018.

"I did 20+ years, had PTSD, and still had to pay over $1,000 a month health care," he wrote in the message, per the Tampa Bay Times.

In 2019, three U.S. military veterans took their own lives within five days of each other at VA facilities. Kenneth Hagans, a 61-year-old veteran, killed himself after he was allegedly forgotten about in a room at a VA hospital in St. Louis in 2021.

Though he didn't see combat while in the Navy, Miller struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and his mental health following his four-year deployment.

He says much of it stemmed from experiences in his early childhood and incidents that occurred while serving — which he's been unable to bring himself to speak openly about, even today.

"It still hurts even after all these years," he says, adding that he is still working on his mental health with a therapist. "I hate even having to think about it — it's a pain that just sticks to you."

He is, however, comfortable talking about how he fell out of love with the military shortly after joining.

"After I saw a lot of the things that we did and a lot of things that we allowed to happen, I started to realize I didn't want to be a part of this anymore," says Miller, whose essay is featured in the new anthology, “Going for Broke: Living on the Edge in the World’s Richest Country."

"You see it as this huge machine, and once you pull the blanket off and discover the man behind the cloth, it's a completely different experience," he continues.

After leaving the Navy in 2008, Miller said he struggled to find employment in the technology industry, which had been his hope when enlisting.

Instead, he moved from city to city, house to house, working various jobs at a retail company and a pizzeria.

During this time, he started having nightmares and would often wake up feeling terrified for no apparent reason. He also experienced tremors, random spurts of anger, and other "misplaced emotions."

When viewed together, Miller said he was experiencing an "avalanche" of PTSD symptoms.

"It was the culmination of everything I've experienced, things that I've just never resolved," he says. "And, well, we just weren't talking about this stuff back then."

"It wasn't something you went into the VA to discuss," Miller explains. "They weren't doing their job, anyway. They were feeding us pills like no tomorrow — if you broke your thumb, they'd just give you bags of Percocet. Like, literal bags."

Recognizing his problems with mental health, Miller said he tried to get an appointment at the VA, but they "just said they would get back to me ... and that never happened."

After moving from Florida to New York City, Miller found himself sleeping under bridges and subway cars and living in and out of homeless shelters.

Even with these challenges, Miller eventually found stability and enrolled in college. It was there where Miller says his mental health challenges "blew up in my face."

"I had dealt with all of that for so long," he recalls, "and that's when I ultimately tried to kill myself."

When he was hospitalized after attempting to overdose on the sleeping pills, doctors alerted the VA, and the department finally took action on his case, says Miller.

"It's like you have to go to the extreme just to get these people to hear your voice," he says today.

When reached by The Messenger, a representative of the VA provided materials about what the department is doing to combat veteran suicides, including the “Don’t Wait, Reach Out” campaign, which encourages veterans to "reach out for help before their challenges become overwhelming or reach a crisis point."

They also said veterans can call 988 and press 1 to reach their crisis hotline, use their website to chat with someone, or text 838255

Despite all that has happened, when asked if he would change anything about his decision to join the military, Miller says he wouldn't.

Between the painful moments, Miller held on to the beauty he experienced while serving, such as looking up at a sky full of stars while on a ship hundreds of miles away from any city lights.

Or, when he gazed at the bluish glow of bioluminescence plankton drifting in the dark ocean water — something he doesn't think he would have experienced if not for his time in the Navy.

"The Navy is part of who I am," he explains. "I don't know if changing anything about my past would enrich my life today, and I don't know if I would like the new person I would be if things were changed."

"Who knows, maybe I have less trauma, or maybe I have more?" Miller continues. "It didn't kill me. It tried to, but it didn't kill me. I'm still alive. I think that maybe ... maybe that's enough."

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or struggling with suicidal thoughts, help is available 24 hours a day through the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. You are not alone.