Lily Collins as Polly Pocket? Dark Barney? Mattel Plans Next Big Nostalgic Hit

As expected, after the massive success of Barbie, Mattel is digging deep into toy chests to find another hit. According to Variety, a bunch of them are already in development. It's a list packed with chaos, accompanied by chaotic descriptions of the projects from different Mattel execs. Some make sense, like a modern American Girl movie, while others feel like a joke, like a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots movie starring Vin Diesel. And then there's Polly Pocket starring Lily Collins, written and directed by Lena Dunham. Isn't Polly Pocket's only personality trait being very tiny?

Whether they're good jokes or bad jokes will depend on what, if anything, eventually comes of them. Here are all the movies reportedly on Mattel's slate in order of how much sense they make.

American Girl

A family comedy about the doll line that is designed to help girls grow with confidence and develop character. American Girl is a classic franchise, easily adaptable to modern times, and deserving of the same treatment The Babysitter's Club and Are You There God? It's Me Margaret recently got.

Hot Wheels

A "grounded and gritty" movie about cars, monster trucks and motorcycles, made by J.J. Abrams. In our minds, this is Fast and Furious for kids. If we're wrong, then we don't want it.

Matchbox

And this one is 1950s Fast and Furious (in our minds). We're in.

Wishbone

What's the story, Wishbone? If you're an adult who still pictures a small dog as the protagonist in almost all of classic literature, you too will probably be excited by the idea of a "family-friendly adventure comedy" by Peter Farrelly.

Barney

Daniel Kaluuya is producing what has been described as an "A24-type" and "surrealistic" movie in the vein of Being John Malkovich or Adaptation. It will be adult and have adult themes about identity, and it will be "a little off-kilter." On the one hand, who wants Dark Barney? On the other hand, if you think about it for even a minute, Barney is actually terrifying. Who was in that giant purple dinosaur suit? Where did Barney come from? Why did the parents of those kids let them hang out with a giant purple dinosaur? There's a lot of room for exploration there.

Polly Pocket

Lena Dunham is writing and directing a Polly Pocket movie starring Lily Collins as the very tiny girl in a very tiny world. But those of us who played with (and/or chewed on and/or lost) Polly Pockets for many years are wondering what kind of story there is to tell about Polly other than the fact that she is very small. Barbie's got hundreds of professions. Polly Pocket is simply tiny, but the world she lives in is also tiny, so really she's just a normal-sized girl. Will she live in an actual pocket? So many questions.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots

Vin Diesel will star in a project about robots that punch each other until their heads pop off. It's somehow both obvious and not at all obvious. We need to know if he's playing one of the robots or just a dude who makes robots punch each other.

Magic 8 Ball

"A PG-13 thriller" about a Magic 8 Ball actually sounds like something that should already exist, but maybe Mattel execs have just been getting "ask again later" all these years.

Thomas & Friends

It's a fantasy film about talking trains by director Marc Forster. He's known for Monster's Ball and World War Z, but also Christopher Robin and Finding Neverland, so he's certainly got experience with competent kids' fantasy movies.

Masters of the Universe

The story of He-Man has been on its way to us for years, but for some reason, the project just can't get off the ground. Mattel is currently looking for a new buyer, but maybe this is a sign that we should just let him be, man.

Major Matt Mason

Tom Hanks will play an astronaut action figure from the 1960s who lives on the moon, but, and we say this with all the love in the world, isn't Tom Hanks getting old? The man is 67! Let him be on earth.

View Master

The classic toy binoculars that show you tiny pictures will be turned into an adventure film.

Uno

What the heck is a movie about Uno going to involve? Supervillains throwing "draw four" cards? Sentient colors? We don't need this.