‘The Golden Bachelor’: One Woman Misses Her Daughter’s Wedding to Play Pickleball With Gerry

Unlike April playing pickleball, The Golden Bachelor is sticking the landing. 

This Bachelor episode had all the typical hallmarks of the franchise: A declaration of love, an old contestant returning to television to "give" "advice," a sporting competition that somehow determines one's romantic prospects.

Yet, everything on this show feels somehow fresher — the pickleballs greener, the confessions of love more emotional and the drama nastier, especially given that Kathy refuses to curse and instead uses parental phrases like, "Zip your lip."

The Messenger's Bachelor Nation experts Charlotte Walsh and Daniel Trainor are here to dissect which ladies have a shot at making it to Hometowns — and what the chances really are of our queen Sandra having sex with Gerry in a residential office building.

THE GROUP DATE

Daniel: The festivities get started and we've got some Bachelor Nation royalty in the house! OG Bachelorette Trista Sutter is here to remind these ladies that the process can work and you can make an entire career out of being a reality TV star. Ellen screams, "That's my role model!" — which is a very alarming thing to say.

Charlotte: Trista hands them the date card, and the ladies finally seem to be aware of how the series works — the woman who isn't on the group date gets the one-on-one! Dancer Leslie gets it, which is fine by Ellen, because that means she gets to fulfill her life's destiny: playing pickleball. This has been hyped up all season. She doesn't play a back-breaking four times per week to not get on the cover of InPickleball Magazine!

Daniel: Equally excited to play pickleball, of course, is our Golden Bachelor himself, Gerry. He shouts, "We get to play pickleball!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and seems way more enthused about that than spending time with the remaining women. The ladies split into teams with names like the Pinky Dinkies and the Pinklelicious Paddles. Ellen has multiple orgasms, Kathy is hitting the ball over the fence, April is faking an injury on the court. This is better than the Olympics.

Charlotte: Did we mention Joey Graziadei, our future Bachelor, is here? Oh yeah, Joey is here! Even though he's a tennis pro, he gives the ladies some perfunctory pickle tips. (Meanwhile, they make euphemisms about him that are just as raunchy as the phrase "perfunctory pickle tips.") Anyway, because she's not like other girls, Sandra has never played pickleball before, but that doesn't stop her from launching herself into the crowd to get a stray shot. Thank God we brought in some innocent civilians to use as landing cushions. 

Daniel: Sandra is, without question, the greatest athlete I've ever seen. However, it's the Pinklelicious Paddles, Ellen and Kathy, who emerge victorious. Ellen won a pickleball tournament on national television and got to kiss Gerry on the court, so she can BASICALLY DIE NOW.

Charlotte: Although Ellen gets the golden trophy, Sandra's the one who nabs the Golden Bachelor for some one-on-one time, since she nearly risked her two fake knees for one single return. On a couch inexplicably set up on the pickleball court, they FaceTime Sandra's daughter, who's getting married today. Or — more accurately — they attempt to FaceTime Sandra's daughter, before running into some technical difficulties. Sandra may have the athletic prowess of a young Michael Phelps, but she's still 75!

Daniel: Gerry is the one who brings up the idea of calling Sandra's lonely daughter on her wedding day, which is a concept that apparently Sandra had not yet considered. It's a bewildering development, and Gerry has the look in his eye that he might be dealing with a serial killer. But apparently that's his kink because he eventually gives her the date rose. Suck it, Sandra's daughter!

Charlotte: Meanwhile, Kathy is picking another fight with Theresa, who has been basically standing still in a corner for the past 20 minutes so Kathy doesn't notice her. But when Kathy tells Theresa to "zip it" — like she's a 5-year-old who won't stop talking about Bluey during communion — that's when Theresa hits her breaking point. She goes full Deep Throat, telling Gerry that Kathy's a bully, and he's not pleased. This goes against all four of his Midwestern values, and he won't stand for it! Probably!

THE ONE-ON-ONE

Daniel: Leslie, who has been sitting at home alone practicing her dance moves this entire time, is ready for her one-on-one date with Gerry. They drop Leslie off in the middle of the desert without shade or a canteen and leave her for dead. But just in the nick of time, here comes Gerry bouldering down the hill on an ATV! I assume there were approximately 643 contracts that had to be signed before this was allowed. As we know, Gerry can barely drive a car.

Charlotte: As Leslie falls further and further behind on her ATV, the ominous music begins. Who allowed this? Why don't we have water aerobics dates, not Gerry-Goes-115-MPH-And-Cracks-His-Skull dates? Nevertheless, he and Leslie stop under this dry field's single tree and discuss how she's been divorced twice. Gerry tells her he adores her "warm closeness," and truly, this man needs to write a book for men. No 24-year-old boy would ever describe a woman's eyes as "hauntingly serene"!

Daniel: Meanwhile, the girls back home are playing Never Have I Ever with pints of ice cream. This is infinitely better than the date. Let's stay here. We immediately learn that April has kissed another woman's husband and that Sandra used to reverse cowgirl her late husband all over town. It's lit!

Charlotte: Susan has been with a woman, but none of the rest of the ladies have. Let's lighten up a little, gals! Anyway, I could watch this game for hours, but Sandra's bowels can't, so it's time for the cocktail party. 

Daniel: Before we get there, it simply must be stated in plain English: Lactose intolerant Sandra missed her own daughter's wedding to eat ice cream while a bunch of strange women talked about having sex with their dead husbands "on the steering wheel." OK, cocktail party time.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

Charlotte: Sandra's not feeling well from all that mint chocolate chip, so she's sitting this one out. Meanwhile, Nancy has a stress fracture from pickleball. The girls are dropping like flies! Gerry gives Susan some rose quartz, the meaning of which he probably learned yesterday. Our Kris Jenner lookalike is literally giggling and kicking her feet about this. They have a sordid makeout session on the patio. Somewhere, Kathy's eye begins twitching.

Daniel: After Kathy casts a spell on bisexual Kris Jenner, InPickleball Magazine cover model Ellen tells Gerry that she's falling in love with him. Gerry doesn't really know how to respond, so he kisses her and probably regrets giving out the rose quartz too early.

Charlotte: Ellen is so overcome with emotion that she says her "heart runneth over." This is all very beautiful. She's crying, I'm crying, Paul the camera guy is crying! Unfortunately, this incident has indicated to Wedding Dress Nancy that she's not really feeling all this. The vibes are off, so she self-eliminates with little fanfare. Off to urgent care to get that foot checked out!

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Daniel: To nobody's surprise (except maybe her own), Kathy is shown the door. Theresa is doing somersaults inside, but she's too classy to show that outwardly. Take notes, Kathy! Anyway, April — who always just kinda seemed to be around — was also eliminated, free to sage the mansion of another eligible bachelor in Topanga Canyon, probably.

Charlotte: Susan is the only member of ASKN left. Guess they were ASKN for it! Anyway, we're somehow only one week away from Hometowns. Who's ready to say, "Stepdad"?